Author: Dickheads

Dear Dickheads,

What’s up, I love your magazine and Sabbathon was great. I bought one of those Death By Salt CD’s, three disc’s of local music for ten bucks? That fucking rocks. However, I have a complaint with that Kevlar7 dude. What the fuck is up with him always making fun of emo and screamo!?Dear Dickheads, Emo and srceamo is some of the best new music to come out of the underground music scene as of late. Bands like Taking Back Sunday, Coheed and Cambria, and My Chemical Romance are the cutting edge of rock music. I mean granted I just started dying my hair black and hanging out at Todd’s, but I know good shit when I hear it. I have a natural ear for good music. Two years ago I was into AFI, Blink 182, Sublime, Sum 41, and Good Charlotte before any of the preppie kids were into it, that just shows you how cool I am. Hey, if you guys need a reviewer, I’m the guy for you. I heard chicks dig it! I like dressing like a rocker; my brother gave me his old Poison and Ratt T-shirt, how cool is that!! Please consider firing Kevlar7 and hiring me.

Robbie Diggs

Aye, Robbie,
Sail ye’rself down to SLUG HQ and we’ll give ye a task—scrubbin’ the decks and spending freezing nights in the crow’s nest. How dare ye assumes that we be lookin fer the likes of you to sail with such a rowdy crew as ours. We’ve all black beards, not hair, and Daxx the Magnificent would make short work of ye, scrogging ye in the arse and thrown’ ye to the torrents of the sea. Ye’r precious Todd’s’ll be laid waste to, nary a dame in sight’ll escape a ravaging and nary a drink’ll be left unconsumed by the crew of the Rusty Cutlass. If any’ye blackhairs gives us but a bit of lip we’ll cut out ye’r hearts and skewer them on the masts as a warning to any other knave who tries to block our path.




Dear Dickheads,
For two decades I’ve watched the pansyish, wrong word “gender” creep into the language, and now it’s in official forms. First I saw the VA put out forms calling for one’s “gender,” and now I’ve gone to the driver’s license office, where they ask me my “gender,” M or F. It’s right in print on the form. I hear children ask what “gender” is the newborn kitten or “What gender is the puppy, Daddy?” Kittens and puppies don’t have gender. “Gender” belongs to grammar, as in “el sombrero is masculine gender.” Kittens, puppies, and people don’t have a gender,, they have a sex. The word is sex.
Keith Moore

Aye Keith,
It’s not just kittens and puppies, matey, pirates have sex too. It’s scrogging to us though (like, “A good scrogging will quiet those prisoners in less than a flip of me cutlass”). We buccaneers scrog as many terrified damsels as we do pillage villages or plunder riches. I myself forced more than a thousand clitorises to walk me skin plank in the past year alone. Just tell that to the scoundrels at the DMV next time ye goes and see if they give ye any of this “gender” rubbage.

Ahoy! Here be some that’ll split ye from stem to sternum.

Where do pirates vacation?
Where are inbred pirates from?
What is a pirates favorite vegetable?
An artichoke.
What do pirates like to study?
Art history.
What kind of pets do pirates have?
What did the pirate name his child?
What kind of comics do pirates read?
Archie comics.
What was the pirate convicted for?
What is a pirates favorite phrase?
Arrgh! Ye knows littl’r ‘bout pirates than ye knows of the uncharted seas at the edges of maps where the sea monster be. If any mate on my crew were to mutter such things as studying or vacation he’d be seein’ the depths of Davey Jones’ Locker right quick. We sail too many seas to be inbred, ne’er eat a veggie (ever hear of scurvy?) keep only parrots as pets, don’t bother naming our illegitimate children, can’t read and could be convicted of more than ye’r imagination could muster. It’d be wise not to show y’er face, landlubber, following the misty crew of the Rusty Cutlass this Pirate’s Day. Arrgh


Dear Dickheads,

I guess I’m a hipster. I have black rock t-shirts, thick black sunglasses and jeans that actually fit. I have a bunch of local Emo/indie rock albums such as The New Transit Direction, Form of Rocket, The Wolfs, Starmy, Tolchock Trio,Redd Tape, Red Bennies, Thunderfist, Day of Less, LPMR and a bunch of other national acts such as Sparta, Rival Schools, The Used, Blink 182, etc. Not only that, but I go hang out and watch bands play at a variety of clubs across the valley and I hang out with alot of people in the bands. Who cares, right? As of lately, I’ve been under fire from a variety of people saying that I’m a hipster and I guess that’s not cool. I’ve even seen a shirt advertised on Yahoo that says, “Die Hipsters Die” and it’s being worn by a dude who looks pretty damn close to a hipster himself! I mean what the hell? Is it so bad that I go support local bands? That my jeans actually fit and aren’t about to fall off? That I listen to bands who can actually sing with real emotion?

I remember that going to shows at Kilby, Todd’s, The Urban, etc., and buying bands T-shirts and CD’s was a cool thing. When the hell did this suddenly become un-cool? Now everyone asks me, “Why are you so Emo?” Maybe it’s just the people here in Salt Lake City. You fuckers have to put a label on everything. If you go to a real city, you’ll find that there are people like me everywhere and they aren’t classified into some stupid stereotype.
I’d rather be a hipster anyday then be some jack fucker who dresses up in a suit and goes to church every Sunday. Or maybe some jock who still cruises state street to try and meet chicks. Grow the fuck up, people. If you want to sit home in front of your TV every night, then that’s fine with me. I for one will keep going to shows, keep buying bands CD’s and T-shirts and hanging out with my friends–and if I am going to be classified as a hipster for doing so, then so fucking be it.


If my only options in life were to be a suit-wearing Mormon, a jock, or you, I think I’d go ahead and pogo stick jump on a pitchfork until it rammed far enough up my ass to kill me. The really pathetic thing is that the amount of time, effort and money you spend to make yourself “cool” in the eyes of others would be plenty to make any normal person actually cool, but you’re so far off the mark I can only cringe at the thought of how lame you would be if you DIDN’T try so hard. Get a clue. Or a pitchfork. 


Dear Dickheads,
Just below the surface of the mormon dense fog that shrouds us all, is a Horrifing yet wonderful thing called Horror Punk/rock. although there are no 80 dollar haircuts, Capri pants, bullet belts or mullets, to be found there is something even better.. Monster masks and Fake Blood, Spider, Zombies ,ghouls and fiends O mY!… sweet, dont you think?..and what better place than slug to announce the take over. The “dye” has been cast, The mosters rise tonite. all hail the days of ole’ Misfits..cramps and the Damned, in comes the new, The Abominations, diemonsterdie,Fuse and Left for Dead..We want Blood, and Rock! look out here we come!
~shane diablo


Announce the takeover? The takeover of what? A sector seven dungeon master level? You fucking gothic nerds never quit, do you? Why can’t you idiots ever pull your asses out of your dark, sorrowful underworlds and step into the fucking real one? You fags can play dress up all you want but leave me and anyone who can interact with other people without Magic cards out of it.

Dear Dickheads,

Just below the surface of the mormon dense fog that shrouds us all, is a Horrifing yet wonderful thing called Horror Punk/rock. although there are no 80 dollar haircuts, Capri pants, bullet belts or mullets, to be found there is something even better.. Monster masks and Fake Blood, Spider, Zombies ,ghouls and fiends O mY!… sweet, dont you think?.. and what better place than slug to announce the take over. The “dye” has been cast, The mosters rise tonite. all hail the days of ole’ Misfits..cramps and the Damned, in comes the new, The Abominations, diemonsterdie,Fuse and Left for Dead..We want Blood, and Rock! look out here we come!

Shane Diablo –

Dear Shane,

How right you are; horror punk/rock is worthy of all the praise that can be heaped upon it. Too bad your grammar is so bad that I can barely understand what you’re talking about.




Dear Dickheads,

HOW DARE YOU SIR!, sittin up their on your holy tuffet, talking down to me like.. some kinda talkin’ downer does..Horror Punk is for the people!!! and by the way.. a “sector seven dungeon master level” is just that, for the Masters! you wouldn’t be able to wrap yourself around the spells you require to even face someone as hell bent on destroying you as say, Gorthicon or perhaps Maldore.

You have managed to offend a hole heep of people with your remarks last month! Those that have a low I.Q, (you should have yours checked by he way) The Gothic community, which I hope hunt’s you down and gets blood all over your pretty Pink dress. and Nerds, did you not learn anything from the movie?

AND the Gay commuinty as well… and I quote “You fags can play dress up all you want but leave me and anyone who can interact with other people without magic cards out of it.” Boy I am so mad at you right now I could just cover you in choclate and give you a tickle party.. now I know your just using the term “Fags” like da rappa M&M’s Doo. but dont..

Horror Punk is for the Fags, the Nerds, the Goths, The D&D masters, the emo, the screamo and everyone else that wishes to be part of us.., in this clicky litle’s alway’s one or the other with you people. Not this time Horror Punk is gonna give ya 2 slaps across the fuckin mouth ….cause we like ya!

Shane Diablo –


Dear Shane (again),

Sigh. Clique is spelled “clique.” Can you have your mother or your English major sister proofread your letters before submitting them? And could you cite the review you’re referring to next time? I’d gladly—or, OK, not so glady—look it up and respond to your letter if you’d just give me a pointer in the fog. And who or what the fuck is Maldore and Gorthicon? Don’t pull that D&D, 38-year-old-virgin fantasy shit on me. Watching the unedited version of Lord of the Rings over Christmas break was quite enough, thanks. 




Dear Dickheads,

ok your response to the dec issue 04 about the shitty tips in utah was utterly ignorant on your did nothing but ridicule the questioner and didnt even attempt to answer WHY the cheap fucks in slc dont understand how to tip.maybe because everyone in the happy little mormon world is fine at their job they dont seem to feel the need to be compasionate to others like jesus taught. being a server in utah im thankfully in one of the two tourist towns in utah where i dont deal with the mainstream utahn and my tips are extremely well. but after working in slc first, i totally feel the pain of that poor college student trying to earn a living off of the cheap fucks who call themselves mormons in utah. god speed you cheap mormon monkeys.


Dear Anonymous,

You cowardly prick. You don’t even have the balls to sign your name. How dare you say we only ridicule people who write into us, you mother-raping, ape-fucking son of a bitch. You’re probably still working tables at the Training Table at age 32, your first place of employment since age 16, when most people your age are making something out of their life or are at least working at Macaroni Grill. Yes, Mormons are cheap. So are most people. You should see the non-Mormons the world over who would put their best friend through the rinse cycle of a washing machine for a free movie pass. Don’t whine to me. If you don’t like seeing the stingy side of human nature, get a job where you don’t have to depend on people’s charity to keep yourself alive—like being a septic tank cleanser. Or get your damn associate’s—the one you’ve been working on for 12 years—move out of your parent’s basement, and get a life. And everyone else: Tip 20 percent or go fuck yourself.


Dear dickheads 

How yall doin, guess what, if you dont know, im going to tell you. you people are very dissapointing. you have supported terror, crime, murder, serial mureder, rape, date rape, drugs, and general hostility all your lives. its very dissapointing. its like, you can get away with all that, and you still havent done anything really cool. not really.just a bunch of rabid sexualistic possers. let me tell ya. hows your little slice of the pie. you’ve promoted hostility in the comunity. youve destroyed family after family. why right now im writting yall this letter through a blaze of anthrax spread on my personal property by people like cammilla. son of a comando. the love of such is an empty love. the love of rape, is cannaball, its evil its a true sin. and its been thought that all sin leads too this place. ye have made up your minds to be so deterimnate, and that belongs to ye now. it is not too. please understand. we could all be having so much more fun, your magazine could be truely cool and radicaly excitting, but ye have made up your minds. so, what do ye suppose it is that honors liers, cheaters, thieves and criminals????? wont you have a thought. i know you know me, and im still here, i am only an honest man. i was thinking, because i care, perhaps slug mag would enjoy investing in our youths and alternative cultures future…????,,,, like maybe a new article called… “the arrest of the month”,,, see when people dont understand the tramma of the world and the difficulties of todays world and what all of us youth almost enevitably encounter, it makes it easier for crime and dissorderlies to prevail. ms taylor, aka ruki, if i were your father, i would cut your arm off and watch you eat it, son of a commando. fuck you.
Yours etc.


Dear Crazy-Assed MotherFucker,
Sorry to go negative right off the bat, but I just don’t even know where to start with this big bag of dementia you sent me. I guess I will address your ramblings paragraph by Bat-Shit crazy paragraph.
First: I think it is a very brave stance for Angela Brown and all the other scumbags here at the magazine to take a position supporting terror, crime, murder, serial murder, rape, date rape, drugs and general hostility. I am most pleased with the fact that we have been very specific in our support of ALL types of Murder and Rape but mildly annoyed that incest, necrophelia and other sweet taboos have gone virtually ignored by the editorial staff. As to us being “rabid sexualistic possers”, I am pretty sure most of us have had our shots (Except maybe those creepy Written In Blood dudes) and those last two words don’t exist in the english language you dumbfuck. Second: Our pie is just fine ass-hat, and some families deserve to be broken up. We are just practicing so we can break up the Hilton, Baldwin and Bush families. The last thing this world needs is any more of those cockbites. To address the whole “Anthrax on my stuff” deal, stop letting Camilla in your house! You know how she gets with her biological weapons, she was raised by a commando for christs sake!! You sad silly assclown.
Lastly: I know there are more paragraphs but I am getting a fucking headache. I noticed that halfway through your letter you replaced “YOU” with “YE” and it hit me! This asshole isn’t crazy! He is obviously a land-locked pirate who is losing his mind pining away for the sea, or perhaps a town crier that is frustrated by his lack of job opportunities. Nah, your most likely just some lonely guy who stuck a horse tranquilizer up his ass and decided to drop us a line. Thanks.
One last thing, it is fairly clear that you are very much in love with Our fair son of a commando Cammilla. Well she does’nt love you. She thinks you’re an asshole. So keep out of her bushes. I don’t think there is a guy out there that has met Camilla and not had the whole “Ms. Taylor being fed her arm by her dad fantasy”. Don’t let it run your life. Get help. Oh, Fuck you too. 
Love and Guts, 

Dear Dickheads

Dear Dickheads,

My name is Scott and I work security at Area 51. I just moved to SLC and my first night of working was on your guys’s 16th Anniversery Party. I have to say your mag is kinda cool from what I have seen but you guys are a bunch of fucking freaks. I’m sure you know because I’m sure you whiny fucks are bitching about it a lot but I had to kick seven goddamned people out of the bar that night that all work for Slug Magazine for being drunk and belligerent, doing drugs, stealing from the DJ booth and for basically being jerkshit assholes. How the fuck do you bunch of turds manage to do anything productive at all like even get out of bed in the morning much less put out a magazine each month? I hope you pieces of shits never do anything at this bar again. I have never been so fucking pissed in my life. Fuck you you little pot-smoking in bathroom fuckers, you drunk shit smartass longhair ponytailed fuckers, you shit-talking coat stealing ugly ass dress mustache wearing fuckers, and fuck you you ugly ass bitch with thick glasses that tried to kick me in the balls. I don’t know your name but you are the ugliest bitch I have ever seen and if I even see you again outside of a club I will fucking bitchslap your bitchass.

Eat shit,

Scott Ries

Hi Scott! I’m glad to hear you could make it to the party and I’m glad to hear it sounds like you had a good time! That breath of fresh air was nice when your ape-necked ass threw me out the front door (yeah I remember you), and the stroll around the building to the side door where your co-worker Eddie snuck me back in was lovely as well. I hope some of that shit in the DJ booth belonged to you. The really funny thing is that we threw a killer party where everyone had a good time (especially the SLUG-staffers that your club fed free drinks to all night long), we stormed all over your little security precautions, you probably don’t even have half an idea about what really went on in the bathrooms and we made fucking BANK off the whole thing. I think I’m going to personally request that all SLUG parties be thrown at Area 51 from now on, it was such a good time. See you soon! 🙂

The death of Pope John Paul is a great victory for the state of Utah. In our long-standing battle against the presumptuous Catholic religion, we have always been held back in the eyes of influential atheists and non-Christians due to our attacks on a man that many people (even non-Catholics!) thought was a good, decent and spiritual man. They did not understand what he was doing to them with his peaceful façade, never letting the public know how he strived to convert the entire world to Catholic. He was a fool and a dangerous one at that, but not many could see that other than those of us in the state of Utah that fought against him using internet Live Journals, advertising campaigns, and most importantly the power of Jesus Christ. I found an issue of your magazine in my daughter’s backpack and although I do not agree with your publication or content, the atheist population of Utah must band together with the Christian non-Catholic population of Utah at this time to fight against the new tyrant that has just gotten the title of pope, Pope Benedict XVI. He is a German and was a Nazi. He was born in the twenties and did not leave Germany. We must work together to bring this information to light so as to expose this man for what he is. I invite you, the publishers, and any readers to join our the crusade that’s happening right here in Utah as we speak. If you believe in our cause please speak out. Our phone number is (801) 240-3500.

Aspen Walton


There have been some fucking creeps that have written to me over the years to bitch about this and that and whatever (bouncers, pedophiles, mothers, English teachers, etc.), but your’s is by far the fucking creepiest letter I have ever received. I can’t imagine what god-awful suburban hellhole you crawled up from (or sit in while concocting conspiracy theories) but wherever it is, please stay there. I’m assuming you’re of the “Greater Faith” of Utah by the way you spit your anti-Catholic propaganda in the name of “the state of Utah,” but FYI, you’re written to the wrong Dickhead. Fuck religion and your great State and fuck the Pope (the dead one and the living one) and FUCK YOU. Props to your daughter for reading SLUG, though. Hopefully she’ll learn one day to pick and choose her crusades wisely, and learn that her mom is a dumb fucking cunt (she probably already knows). 

Dear Dickheads,

I can’t believe stuck up hipsters like you would hire a piece of trash like Rodney. When I find that motherfucker I’m going to make him pay for what he did to my house and my cat. The smoke damage in the kitchen alone has already cost me $800, and my cat still can’t walk straight. What kind of sick fuck would super glue a cat’s feet to the wall. Pumpkin hasn’t been the same since. You know what I’m talking about. If I don’t find Rodney in the next month I’m sending you the bill.
ErnestoDear Ernesto,
Fuck you! You deserved the smoke damage, and your stupid cat ate Rodney’s hamster, remember? The one his grandfather gave him right before he died, you unfeeling dickwad! Go eat shit! 
Dear Dickheads,
My name is Annie Sue and I have herd out that my son Rodney use ta work fer you. If you see hem tell hem that I forgiv hem for all the horible thangs he has dunn and just want my litle Rodney back and tell hem that we can sort out the police business later. Plees help me SLUG yer my last hope. Thank you.
Annie Sue
Dear Annie Sue,
Wow. You have the balls to write SLUG and pretend to express concern for your son to cover up for the fact that you’ve been a wretched excuse for a mother for the last 25 years. Do you think you’re going to get the Kickass Mother Award for this letter after making Rodney pick up hairballs with his tongue to punish him for getting a cat? Do you think SLUG is going to pat you on the back after you left Rodney chained in the outhouse naked for two days because you didn’t want your then-current boyfriend to know you had a child? And you fed him only Twinkies, you bitch! No wonder he burned your house to the ground and crucified your dog! Fuck you, you white trash, lying cunt! If you want to find fake justification all the shitty things you did to your own flesh and blood, SLUG is the last place you want to go! Pay a fucking therapist to lie to you!
Dear Dickheads,
Why are you not wrapping together the privacy holiday for my leetle nephew! He has been waiting right here for at least a goddammed fortnight now. How could you be so irresponsible as to let my poor leetle nephew wait for his holiday. Goddamm you to satan’s fires and may the Lord have mercy on your souls in satan’s fires. They will be bright and my holiday will come soon. Mason Winadarsky
(Address of the prison)
Um … I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. The only good part of your letter was the reference to Satan’s fires, but I doubt you even have the capability to see the coolness factor in that. Have fun burning your $1 Smith’s Catholic candles with pixilated photos of the Virgin Mary pasted on the front with cheap glue and praying over your plastic rosary beads to try to make up for shooting your friend in the face after he tried to short you $5 on a drug deal. If heaven is filled with people like you, I’ll take Satan’s fires. Go die.

Dear Dickheads,
On August 26, RadioActive aired a show asking the question “why are there not more female-fronted rock bands in Utah?” I called in and stuck my foot in my mouth, in a sense. I said that I feel it may have something to do with folks looking up to their favorite bands as idols rather than people just like themselves expressing their ideas through music, which I agree with. Where I fucked up is calling out bands. I said something like “bands people idolize, like Pink Floyd, The Doors and a lot of metal bands.”

First of all, I’m a huge Floyd fan. I feel they are a band that I have idolized in my life, which is why I said it. Same with The Doors. And generalizing a whole genre like Metal? I was out of line. So to Pink Floyd, Doors, and Metal fans, I apologize.

However, I’d still love to see more ladies fronting rock bands in this state. There are plenty of affordable guitars, basses and drumkits out there, so if you’re a woman who’s thought about doing it, do it! We’re lucky to have KRCL with programs like RadioActive in Utah. Next time I decide to call in, I will be choosing my words more carefully. Maybe. Sometimes I can be a compulsive, neurotic fuck. How interesting are careful folks anyway?

Damn the man,
Benjamin H.

Dear Benjamin,
I’m not sure I entirely understand your point—are you saying that people don’t include women in their bands because the bands they grew up idolizing didn’t have female members? Because that’s both fucked up and fucking stupid. Since you said you have stuck your foot in your mouth before, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you meant something entirely different, even though I already have a pretty strong dislike for you because of your fondness for Pink Floyd (if you can buy a band’s shirt at JC Penney, that band sucks). Women have always been underrepresented in art and music, but there are a lot of women in Salt Lake making great local music. We love the hell out of Subrosa, whose most recent lineup featured three women. Spell Talk has recently added a great female guitarist. Pretty Worms released three awesome 7”s last year, all with a female vocalist. Daisy & the Moonshines, Uncle Scam, ESX, Bellrave, Chainwhip, IX Zealot, INVDRS, Dani Lion, Moon of Delirium, Dick Janitor, The Suicycles, Dances With Wolves, Erin Barra, The 321s, Handicapitalist, The Folka Dots, ABK Band, and probably a shitload of bands from Provo all feature at least one female member, and they’re all pretty great. It’s definitely true that there are way more dudes making local music than ladies, but there are more local female musicians than most people think. And even though I hate The Doors, Benjamin, you do raise a good point: We could always use some more awesome women making music in Salt Lake.

Hey Dickheads,
I barely see anything political in SLUG, and I wanna know what you guys think about the recent bills on sex education and abortion. I think it’s fucking pathetic that because the church and lawmakers can’t control what we do with our lives, they take it upon themselves to fuck with the laws and regulations we have to live by. Forcing teens to learn abstinence only doesn’t help, because they take away all the education they’d need about what happens if they decide to ignore it. And extending abortion waiting periods from 24 to 72 hours? Really? Do they really think women are just headed out to get abortions like it’s a daily chore, and they didn’t already spend time thinking it over before choosing that option? They need to tack another three days for women to agonize over it in hopes it will change their minds. All you ever hear from the right is that the left will make us a police state. Well Utah is practically dictated by the right, and we’re getting there one Eagle Forum written bill at a time. What do you guys think?

Hey Nancy,
Here’s the deal: Political reporting is not our job. Of course we’re gonna run a “political story” every now and then, but if you’re forming your political opinions based on information you’re getting from Jon Stewart, Bill Maher and SLUG Magazine, then you probably aren’t getting all the information you need. Whether you’re one of the idiots blowing up my Facebook feed with annoying Ron Paul bullshit (a rich old white guy running for president? How revolutionary!) or have a “Green is Good” bumper sticker plastered on your SUV, you probably aren’t as smart as you think. That said, the “abstinence only” education bill (which was vetoed by Governer Herbert, thankfully) was super fucking misguided. Kids are going to do stupid things, including having sex with one another, no matter what their bishop/congressman says. If they are taught about some non-stupid things, such as protecting themselves from STIs and how to prevent unleashing their horrible, horrible spawn upon the world, some of them are gonna listen and end the cycle of stupidity. But what the fuck do we know? Whether you’re Left or Right, you’re probably wrong. Political issues are much more complicated than either side would have you believe, and until you do your research and stop making knee-jerk reactions based on which side you think you’re supposed to fall on, you should probably get off your stupid fucking soapbox. And Nancy, please understand that when I say you’re stupid, I don’t mean that you personally are stupid, but that every person, ever, is stupid.

Dear Dickheads,
I am recently unemployed and been on the job hunt for a few weeks. Like most of your readers, I am in my mid-twenties, and have had difficulty obtaining a job. I am contributing much of this lack of employment on the part of age-ism. On two separate occasions, I’ve had potential employers generalize me as a Millennial and their apparent traits. According to the Baby-Boomer masturbatory aid, 60 Minutes, Millennials are: lazy, ignorant, entitled, opinionated, materialistic and live in an “everyone wins” fantasy. To every Baby-Boomer and Gen Xer out there that feels this way, I say, “fuck you.” What did the Boomers do, but give up on changing the world and embrace cocaine-polyester parties? What did the moody boohoo Gen Xers do except give America Paul Ryan and… I think that is it. I’ve worked a job since the age of 16, paid my way through college and struggled through all of my successes and failures. I’m highly qualified and these mindless dicks won’t look past my age. I find it disconcerting to be thrown into the lot of rare trust-fund children and lazy assholes, when I myself work hard. How do I combat this generational stigma?

Not a twentysomthing fuck-up.

Dear twenty-fuck-face—or whatever,
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Utah has the sixth-lowest unemployment rate of all the states, so I sincerely think you really aren’t trying hard enough—so, really, stop acting so entitled. Given your anti-paternalistic musings about your post-20-something elders, you are clearly a bleeding-heart liberal, so let me break this down for you: You’re never going to make any money. Ever. So, what’re a few weeks of unemployment? Basically, all that’s left for you, twentynothing, is to sell out to the Man at a call center or trade in your liberal arts degree for a business degree and hate yourself for the rest of your life. It seems like you do already, so it should be easy. You could also rack up six—nah, fuck it, let’s make it seven figures of debt in an endeavor to get through dental school and attempt to open up a reputable practice and bend common folks over if you want to break even someday. You paid your way through school? You need more debt—you don’t have enough street cred, buddy! Milk your freedom and stop whining—you could be like those crust punks with the huge backpacks by the library. Then you’ll REALLY have street cred, and I’m sure Mom will let you crash in your old room once you get too cold. Besides, you’re young: You can always go retire in Portland.