Dear Dickheads – September 2004
What’s up, I love your magazine and Sabbathon was great. I bought one of those Death By Salt CD’s, three disc’s of local music for ten bucks? That fucking rocks. However, I have a complaint with that Kevlar7 dude. What the fuck is up with him always making fun of emo and screamo!?Dear Dickheads, Emo and srceamo is some of the best new music to come out of the underground music scene as of late. Bands like Taking Back Sunday, Coheed and Cambria, and My Chemical Romance are the cutting edge of rock music. I mean granted I just started dying my hair black and hanging out at Todd’s, but I know good shit when I hear it. I have a natural ear for good music. Two years ago I was into AFI, Blink 182, Sublime, Sum 41, and Good Charlotte before any of the preppie kids were into it, that just shows you how cool I am. Hey, if you guys need a reviewer, I’m the guy for you. I heard chicks dig it! I like dressing like a rocker; my brother gave me his old Poison and Ratt T-shirt, how cool is that!! Please consider firing Kevlar7 and hiring me.
Sail ye’rself down to SLUG HQ and we’ll give ye a task—scrubbin’ the decks and spending freezing nights in the crow’s nest. How dare ye assumes that we be lookin fer the likes of you to sail with such a rowdy crew as ours. We’ve all black beards, not hair, and Daxx the Magnificent would make short work of ye, scrogging ye in the arse and thrown’ ye to the torrents of the sea. Ye’r precious Todd’s’ll be laid waste to, nary a dame in sight’ll escape a ravaging and nary a drink’ll be left unconsumed by the crew of the Rusty Cutlass. If any’ye blackhairs gives us but a bit of lip we’ll cut out ye’r hearts and skewer them on the masts as a warning to any other knave who tries to block our path.
For two decades I’ve watched the pansyish, wrong word “gender” creep into the language, and now it’s in official forms. First I saw the VA put out forms calling for one’s “gender,” and now I’ve gone to the driver’s license office, where they ask me my “gender,” M or F. It’s right in print on the form. I hear children ask what “gender” is the newborn kitten or “What gender is the puppy, Daddy?” Kittens and puppies don’t have gender. “Gender” belongs to grammar, as in “el sombrero is masculine gender.” Kittens, puppies, and people don’t have a gender,, they have a sex. The word is sex.
It’s not just kittens and puppies, matey, pirates have sex too. It’s scrogging to us though (like, “A good scrogging will quiet those prisoners in less than a flip of me cutlass”). We buccaneers scrog as many terrified damsels as we do pillage villages or plunder riches. I myself forced more than a thousand clitorises to walk me skin plank in the past year alone. Just tell that to the scoundrels at the DMV next time ye goes and see if they give ye any of this “gender” rubbage.
Ahoy! Here be some that’ll split ye from stem to sternum.
Where do pirates vacation?
Where are inbred pirates from?
What is a pirates favorite vegetable?
What do pirates like to study?
What kind of pets do pirates have?
What did the pirate name his child?
What kind of comics do pirates read?
What was the pirate convicted for?
What is a pirates favorite phrase?
Arrgh! Ye knows littl’r ‘bout pirates than ye knows of the uncharted seas at the edges of maps where the sea monster be. If any mate on my crew were to mutter such things as studying or vacation he’d be seein’ the depths of Davey Jones’ Locker right quick. We sail too many seas to be inbred, ne’er eat a veggie (ever hear of scurvy?) keep only parrots as pets, don’t bother naming our illegitimate children, can’t read and could be convicted of more than ye’r imagination could muster. It’d be wise not to show y’er face, landlubber, following the misty crew of the Rusty Cutlass this Pirate’s Day. Arrgh