The last time I wrote an article about dating was a little over a year ago, when I snorted Adderall and went speed dating just so I could say that I went speed dating on speed. Needless to say, it was a miserable experience—but that’s how I see dating in general. Taking a girl out to try to woo her into some humpage is, oftentimes, a waste of time. The urge to cut right to the chase and pay a toothless hooker to blow me is sometimes a strong one.
Another time-saving technique in regards to dating—as opposed to receiving a gummer—has been to utilize the beast we all can’t live without these days: the Internet. We all know that there are numerous sites available to find your soulmate. I can’t imagine the toll Internet dating has taken on the mail-order bride industry.
I have never been on an Internet date—unless you count meeting a chick at a bar who cyber-stalked my Facebook profile. I justified it to myself that she was just doing research.
I set up a profile on one of the free Internet dating websites a while ago, with the intention of doing research for my next zine. I’ve covered many topics on women, like periods and texting them and shit, but I thought to actually go on an Internet date would make a great story for my zine––I just couldn’t go through with it. I don’t know if it was because the site was free or not, but every girl on there was a total carp. If girls are fish, I prefer rainbow trout, and this pond was definitely loaded with bottom feeders with too many kids. For me, one kid is too many.
I have a good friend who started up an eHarmony account a few months ago, and I decided to interview him about his experience. His name is Dick Snot, and he was the drummer for Fuck the Informer when they were a band. If you know him, he is a very intriguing person, and the fact that he went on eHarmony is funny in itself.
Dick Snot is very introverted, especially around women. He is completely pleasant when sober, but can be one of the most unpredictable drunks ever. Dick Snot’s blackout-drunk stories blow away anything any of my other alcoholic friends have ever done. He kicked a cop in the balls once and got away with it, which could, and should, be another article. At the same time, he is a nerdy, aspiring mathematician.
Do you want to know what kind of guy Dick Snot is? When I unintentionally may have been the catalyst for a massive bar fight, he ended it by smashing a glass beer stein over someone’s head, and then walked out of the place as calmly as one would leave an Olive Garden dinner with their Mormon parents.
Dick Snot is also incredibly sincere, honest and open. He truly doesn’t give a fuck, but not in that negative punk rock way. He’s not afraid to wear his pajamas all day outside of the house while running normal errands. When I asked him how this translated to his eHarmony profile, Dick Snot assured me that he was upfront with everything—even his drinking. I couldn’t wait to ask him what kind of fish his eHarmony account was reeling in.
In the three-month free trial that Dick Snot signed up for, he went on five dates with four girls. I asked him to walk me through the process of setting up an account, which seems to be the easiest part of the whole Internet dating thing. You take different personality surveys and upload pictures of yourself and list your interests and whatnot. Dick Snot listed his inspirations as GG Allin, Charles Bukowski and two random mathematicians (thus showing his introverted side).
Dick Snot’s first impression was that most of the girls on the site were overachievers. They were probably on the site because they were just too busy with their careers to venture off into the real world to find a man or a warm penis for the night. He told me that two of the girls he met had college degrees by the time they were 21, and he followed that up by saying, “I’m 30, and I made ten thousand dollars last year.”
He also said that a lot of the girls kept stating that going to the gym was super important to them, but when he met them for the dates, it was clear that it wasn’t. Just like a TV camera adds ten pounds to a person, I have a theory that an Internet profile picture subtracts 50 from most girls.
Dick Snot set up all five of the dates he went on himself: three dinner dates, two coffee dates and one repeat date. He unintentionally encountered a recurring pattern on all the dates: Every girl, regardless of her educational achievements, was just as socially awkward as he was, thus making conversations dry up faster than your grandma’s vagina in the Sahara. People, this is one reason why god created alcohol. Ease the tension, baby.
I’m imagining the conversations going about like this, “So, um, do you like stuff?” “Um, yeah, I like stuff. Do you like stuff?”—and so forth. A word exchange as uncomfortable as shitting razor blades until the coffee gets cold or the check comes and you have an excuse to leave.
One thing I admire about Dick Snot is that he was genuinely trying to make a connection with someone, and not just get laid. If these dating sites could at least guarantee a hand job, then maybe I would sign up.
When I asked him if any girls from the site were pursuing him, he said that there were about three, and that they all had kids and were looking for more kids. Aside from Dick Snot not being ready to be a stepdad, he nicely stated that the girls chasing him were not the best-looking things in the world. Dick Snot knows that he is no Brad Pitt, but he put it bluntly to me: “I’m looking for at least a five.”
Overall, Dick Snot found no spark or connection on his eDating adventures, but did say he would be willing to try it again and would recommend the site to a friend, as long as that friend was just as weird as he is.