The Zack Hammers Interview: The Most Underground Skater Ever!
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Some local publications have been popping up as of late documenting the antics of Utah’s finest local extreeeeme athleticism. I have no qualms with such publications and quite frankly, it’s nice to see people I know getting mad props for their personal achievements in their sacred mediums. Even if it’s packaged together in a somewhat ESPN-friendly, snow/skate/wake/kite board sort of way. Because we all know there’s nothing more core than getting dragged behind a $60,000 boat. But this is SLUG. And I’m desperately trying to stay true to this rag’s underground roots. Thus began my quest to find the ultimate underground athlete. I got a hold of Broadie Hammers, who is responsible for keeping SLUG readers updated on what’s happenin’ in the local skate bubble. Broadie helped me get a hold of his cousin, Zack Hammers. Who, as I have discovered, is without question the most extreme underground ripper of our time. Don’t believe me? Fuck you. Check the photo, bitches. This kid is more exciting than a Red Bull enema and has more snap than a coke-laced Slim Jim.
Getting a hold of Zack was not easy due to his insistence that he stay off the mainstream radar. He would only shoot photos with his face covered. GNAR! I just had to interview him. So here it goes.
SLUG: So Zack, Why all the mystery? Like I never see you at contests or in local mags and shit like that.
Zack Hammers: Cuz son, gone are the days of pressure flip blunt stalls on six-inch curbs. This is the age of Hammers, ZACK HAMMERS!
SLUG: Dude, you don’t have to yell. And you totally didn’t answer my fucking question. What the fuck do you mean by ‘the age of Hammers?’
ZH: Yo, son, you need a check up from the neck up! This shit is real and raw like sushi! Simply put, I drop more hammers than John Henry, even more than those Chinese dudes that hammered our country’s railroads together. No one’s touchin’ my shit, son. But I ain’t doin’ this shit for no camera, I drop my sledge for Zack Hammers and Zack Hammers only, bitches!
SLUG: What?
ZH: I’m the golden spike of skateboarding!
SLUG: Humble, too.
ZH: Fuck you, Captain Sarcastic!
SLUG: OK, OK, sorry. Let’s just move on. So you say that you “ain’t doin’ this shit for no camera” who are you skating for and why?
ZH: You mean like my sponsors and shit like that? People try to sponsor my shit all the time, but I won’t let them. I tell people on the overground that I’m underground and that their shit will just get in the way of my game, son. I ain’t lettin’ no motherfucker use my likelihood in some wack-ass photo so they can perpetuate the corporate cog. Zack Hammers ain’t about that shit, not for one cent!
SLUG: Then what are you about?
ZH: Bitches and Hammers, son. Bitches and Hammers.
SLUG: Well put.
ZH: Hey, fuckface, you’re lucky this interview’s over the phone or I’d drop a hammer on your ass!
SLUG: Sorry, dude.
ZH: I’m just sayin’, watch your step when you’re in my sector, a’ite?
SLUG: OK, so what’s the biggest hammer you’ve dropped on your skateboard this summer?
ZH: My switch 50-50 down the Delta Center triple kink was pretty off the hook, first try, muthafuckazz! I also hammered the perfect eight with a nollie 540 cab 360 flip with no mutiny touches and all bolts. And don’t get me started on the four-four on South Temple. I can do anything I want on that puny piece-of-shit gap with an Einstein’s bagel in both hands, sucka!
SLUG: What else do you got?
ZH: I bombed 3rd South this morning on two skateboards at the same time, motha fucka! One on each foot! Like I was waterskiing and shit. But it wasn’t enough, so I did it backwards too, just to feed the Hammers demons inside my guts, yo!
SLUG: So who do you skate with?
ZH: Just my cousin Broadie, kid.
SLUG: And just where are you from?
ZH: I ain’t about to divulge that information. But I did done spent a big chunk of my childhood on the Neverland Ranch.
SLUG: Like with Michael Jackson and shit? What time would you go to bed at down there? When the big hand touched the little hand?
ZH: Fuck you, cock rider! This interview’s over! [CLICK]
This concludes the interview. Hopefully, Zack will make himself less scarce in the future. Skateboarding needs people like him to progress the sport into the next century.
Read more from SLUG Magazine here:
Review: CeCe Rogers – It’s Alright
Review: Cerrone – Not too Shabby
