Dear Dickheads – December 2012
I am recently unemployed and been on the job hunt for a few weeks. Like most of your readers, I am in my mid-twenties, and have had difficulty obtaining a job. I am contributing much of this lack of employment on the part of age-ism. On two separate occasions, I’ve had potential employers generalize me as a Millennial and their apparent traits. According to the Baby-Boomer masturbatory aid, 60 Minutes, Millennials are: lazy, ignorant, entitled, opinionated, materialistic and live in an “everyone wins” fantasy. To every Baby-Boomer and Gen Xer out there that feels this way, I say, “fuck you.” What did the Boomers do, but give up on changing the world and embrace cocaine-polyester parties? What did the moody boohoo Gen Xers do except give America Paul Ryan and… I think that is it. I’ve worked a job since the age of 16, paid my way through college and struggled through all of my successes and failures. I’m highly qualified and these mindless dicks won’t look past my age. I find it disconcerting to be thrown into the lot of rare trust-fund children and lazy assholes, when I myself work hard. How do I combat this generational stigma?
Not a twentysomthing fuck-up.
Dear twenty-fuck-face—or whatever,
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Utah has the sixth-lowest unemployment rate of all the states, so I sincerely think you really aren’t trying hard enough—so, really, stop acting so entitled. Given your anti-paternalistic musings about your post-20-something elders, you are clearly a bleeding-heart liberal, so let me break this down for you: You’re never going to make any money. Ever. So, what’re a few weeks of unemployment? Basically, all that’s left for you, twentynothing, is to sell out to the Man at a call center or trade in your liberal arts degree for a business degree and hate yourself for the rest of your life. It seems like you do already, so it should be easy. You could also rack up six—nah, fuck it, let’s make it seven figures of debt in an endeavor to get through dental school and attempt to open up a reputable practice and bend common folks over if you want to break even someday. You paid your way through school? You need more debt—you don’t have enough street cred, buddy! Milk your freedom and stop whining—you could be like those crust punks with the huge backpacks by the library. Then you’ll REALLY have street cred, and I’m sure Mom will let you crash in your old room once you get too cold. Besides, you’re young: You can always go retire in Portland.