Dear Dickheads – August 2009


Dear Dickheads,
Out of curiosity, how would you suggest making a mormon wedding more entertaining without the alcohol? I happen to be LDS and do agree that wedding receptions suck. If I get married, I want people to have fun and not fall asleep. And I’m sure pin the tail on the donkey isn’t the answer. Sorry you had such a negative experience with LDS persons. There just seemed to be a lack of respect for the faith in the article, which makes me believe you had a very terrible experience. Some of my LDS friends who have left the church for various reasons are able to maintain some kinder feelings because nothing really happened to them that incited their leaving. Honestly, I don’t know you or haven’t read any of your other articles, but from this one article, a strong lack of respect comes across. I think it would be very difficult to be non-mormon in Utah. It’s just sad, because there could be a little more respect while still conveying the message of the inane nature of LDS weddings and culture while maintaining that counter-culture edge you are going for. I tend to be a hippie and think everyone should hug it out and be respectful/tolerant of everyone else. Although, I can understand the intolerance because you didn’t receive any from the LDS community, so why should you be tolerant in return? To be honest, I have felt the need to backhand the Mormon community myself. But still, it doesn’t do anyone any good to have two parties fighting. Both the dominant and sub-dominant culture need to learn to be more tolerant towards each other. And that goes for all sub-dominant cultures like the gay, black and latino communities.

Where to begin?  It must first be noted that Mike Brown hates almost everything.  From Christmas time to bluegrass music to helping old ladies shower, Mr. Brown is not a fan.  And he will tell you about it.  That’s what he does.  The only things he likes are the Utah Jazz, a cat named Jetpack and pissing off SLUG readers.  Does it come as a surprise that he also finds Mormon weddings to be on the healthy side of dull?  Not to me.  The wedding reception that he described would be torture for any sane, breathing person.  As SLUG Magazine’s Highest Ranking Mormon™, I have to say that I cannot imagine Mike Brown having fun at any standard Mormon function.

Since your question was really about how to spice up an LDS reception without booze, let me address that.  There could always be better food, a live band, some dancing, or some other sort of hired entertainment.  Getting your uncle Hyrum or your local Relief Society to do something distracting really wouldn’t work—entertainment is something that needs to be handled by paid professionals.  We’re talking about celebrating eternity for christsakes.

As for Mr. Brown, don’t worry about him.  He may not know the difference between the Liahona and the Urim and Thummim, but there is still hope for him.  He is baptized, and I plan on doing his temple work just as soon as he dies.  I would even be happy to reserve the cultural hall for him when his time for civil marriage comes around.  In the mean time, Kerstin, you should really limit the number of times you use the word respect in your correspondence, and you should go easy on your references to the HBO show Entourage (hug it out? Really?).  You’ll never meet a nice Mormon guy if you spend your weekends watching racy shows that star Kevin Dillon.  Read your copy of the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet if you don’t believe me.

James Bennett
Professional Mormon Apologist
Second councilor in the 11th Ward bishopric