Dear Dickheads,
I would like to applaud the Logan police force’s heroic and courageous efforts to put an end to the dangerous, dirty noise pollution which occurred at a house party near 9th North and 7th East on Wednesday night. To those wondering if a plane had crashed nearby, due to all the flashing blue and red lights, it was actually much worse: Live local bands.
I was absolutely outraged, disgusted, sickened and shamed that so many of Logan’s young college students would dare have the audacity to put perfectly good couches outside on the lawn, listen to live music, and drink kool-aid at the height of the summer – all the while on private property. Can you believe this? How dare they! The nerve! What I really couldn’t believe was that they committed this wickedness just a block away from the college campus! Don’t they know that senior citizens live nearby?
I can’t stand it when dozens of clean-cut youngsters take one night of the summer to get to know each other and enjoy the talents of local musicians. This is Logan, not Vegas! How am I supposed watch Matlock and take my laxatives when there’s such a ruckus? How rude of all those dozens of people to interrupt my nightly napping schedule with their once-a-year gathering! It’s bad enough that the ice cream truck drives by playing Christmas music during my day naps! This city is falling apart!
Thankfully, the police response was excellent. Hours before the party had even been planned, five police vehicles were camped around the block, loading their shotguns and tazers just to be safe. Five or six more were making rounds, sharpening the dogs’ teeth, preparing gas masks and parachutes. When the curfew time came at about 10:30, more than a dozen police cars and SUV’s surrounded the house and put an end to these unwholesome criminal activities (like being outside when it’s dark and eating bratwursts). If any of these students would have had over .08 blood sugar content, a military helicopter might have dropped off a highly-trained anti-koolaid SWAT team.
However, a dozen police vehicles and two dozen armed officers were not enough! You never know what these college kids will do when they’re all hyped up on kool-aid! That’s why responsible citizens like myself peer out our blinds and watch everyone carefully, every night of the week!
Thanks to the brave efforts of law enforcement, I actually finished watching Matlock without having to turn the volume up, and my laxatives are kicking in as we speak.
Alex Tarbet
Logan, Utah

Dear Alex,
How dare those cops do their fucking job! I mean, what elderly denizen of Cache County wouldn’t want to hear some stupid college kids repeatedly fuck Elliott Smith’s corpse with an acoustic guitar while they’re trying to sleep? That’s a privilege, not a right! I must admit that the Elliott Smith comment was pure speculation (Logan kids could be more into Conor Oberst handjobs for all I know), but seriously, you were being stupid about it. Everyone loves DIY venues and house shows, but Jesus Christ, what did you think would happen if you let people play music on your front lawn? As someone with a neighbor who loudly listens to shitty music and watches the same deafening, dumb DVD on a near-nightly basis, I sympathize with the geriatric victims of the Logan aural genocide. If you don’t want to get hassled by the cops (who had a legitimate reason, given how crappy I imagine the music was), why not book a venue, or better yet, start a venue? I know Logan is shitty and everything, but I also know that rad venues can and do exist in horrible places. Not only will you have a cool community space and a life relatively free of po-po interlopers, but you’ll be able to drink all the Kool-Aid you want without anyone giving you a hard time.