Dear Dickheads – December 2008


What is the motivation behind purchasing a membership to a bar or club if the bartenders always treat you like an outsider? Even if I had a voluptuous pair of tits, I probably wouldn’t be able to get good service at nine out of ten Salt Lake bars simply because I don’t look cool enough. It seems like purchasing a bar/ club membership grants a patron no more than admission. If you want good service then you’d better see about giving one of the bartenders a blowjob on his break. Wait, fuck that, why would I want watered down shots with a smile? Why don’t you make me wait 15 minutes, slap me in the face, and then throw that fucking drink in my face? How’s that? Or, I could save all the membership money I would theoretically pay over the next ten years, and open a fucking club of my own and charge all you assholes a membership to get in. What goes around comes around bitch.

Dear Disgruntled SLUG Reader,
Gotta’ look good to get treated good, sucka! Grow an ironic mustache, get some deep American apparel V’s and skinny jeans then ride to the bar on your fix gear bike––and see how quickly that bar tender changes his attitude. We know it’s not fair, but nothing is. If that plan doesn’t work find one of those super wasted and super hot Edie Sedgwick style girls who have daddy issues to tote around– –they always get the best service in the hip spots around town.

Dear Dickheads,
The Mayan really? What in the world made you review them? Do you know anyone who has eaten there by choice? –C

Dear C,
Yes, I know someone who eaten there by choice — SLUG’s own food critic, Fred Worbon. Sorry Pal, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Dear Dickheads,
I just read some of your magazine, it is killer, I love it. Just what Utah needs.
-Mr. Bill
Salt Lake City, Utah
Scikotics – HMFIC Salt Lake City Chapter

Dear Mr. Bill,
Your ass-kissing attempt at gaining free publicity for your online car forum worked. Look! Your name and url is finally in-print! Don’t bother with a follow up letter requesting coverage — This is where your road ends, Buddy.

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Dear Dickheads
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