Dear Dickheads – January 2014


Illustration: Robin Bank

Dear Dickheads,

What’s up with all these 5k runs for diseases? I’m looking at the November issue of SlugMag and I see this atrocious “Jingle Bell Run for Arthritis.” Am I the only one that thinks they’re throwing it in the faces of those with arthritis? Hey, look at us run, with ease, through the streets while your deprecated body can’t even wipe its own ass without searing pain. Don’t worry though, we’re running FOR you, since you can’t. It seems heartless, it seems thoughtless, it seems like an excuse for SLC’s fitizens to fit it up in our streets while making fun of the handicapped.

They should be ashamed and so should SlugMag for allowing its advertising.

Shoutout to Topo in Red Orchestra, you shoot like a blind 3 year old.


Hi Daniel,

If you knew anything about arthritis, you would know that movement actually decreases pain. Go ahead and WebMD that shit while you’re at your computer typing “anonymous” letters criticizing organizations that help people in need.


Dear Dickheads,

Look. I love you guys/gals/guygals, but I take issue with the fact that you ran a profile on EA Games in November. EA is the largest video game publisher in the world. It’s a multi-billion dollar corporation. Frankly, there isn’t anything even close to “underground” about it. Yeah, I guess it’s cool that they have a branch in Salt Lake and it’s giving local people jobs, but ya know, so are Adobe and eBay and fucking Arctic Circle (who are locally-based, by the way). If BP or Walmart opened a corporate office in Salt Lake, would you cover them as well? I mean, I know that if Apple established a branch here you sheeply hipsters would be all over that shit, but EA doesn’t exactly have the same cred among self-hating young people. If you’re gonna write about EA, then you might as well write an article heralding the arrival of Dunkin’ Donuts into the Salt Lake Valley. Seriously, my old roommate knows the manager of the one across from the library, I can totally hook you up with that corporate donut sweetness. Larry the Looter


I’ll let this one slide because I know that your girlfriend made you write this at gunpoint because she’s mad at you for your gaming habits. What you need to do is spend some quality time with her and take her somewhere nice, rather than feeding her the Cheetos-cheese buildup off your fingers between COD sessions. Of course EA Games is a corporation. However, games like The Sims and GTA5 propagate little experiments and hypothetical situations that reflect the conscience and consciousness of Western society. It’s big developers who provide these virtual experiences, so we don’t feel sorry for investigating this cultural phenomenon, since it’s developed locally. Feel free to develop an “indie game” of the same interactive caliber, and we’ll feature you (we know you’re just pining for attention anyway). Until then, stick to what you know: weird cyber-punk sex with your annoying girlfriend.


Fax: 801.487.1359 • Mailing Address: Dear Dickheads c/o SLUG Mag • 351 Pierpont Ave. Ste. 4B SLC, UT 84101 or [email protected]