Dear Dickheads – July 2005
I can’t believe stuck up hipsters like you would hire a piece of trash like Rodney. When I find that motherfucker I’m going to make him pay for what he did to my house and my cat. The smoke damage in the kitchen alone has already cost me $800, and my cat still can’t walk straight. What kind of sick fuck would super glue a cat’s feet to the wall. Pumpkin hasn’t been the same since. You know what I’m talking about. If I don’t find Rodney in the next month I’m sending you the bill.
Fuck you! You deserved the smoke damage, and your stupid cat ate Rodney’s hamster, remember? The one his grandfather gave him right before he died, you unfeeling dickwad! Go eat shit!
My name is Annie Sue and I have herd out that my son Rodney use ta work fer you. If you see hem tell hem that I forgiv hem for all the horible thangs he has dunn and just want my litle Rodney back and tell hem that we can sort out the police business later. Plees help me SLUG yer my last hope. Thank you.
Dear Annie Sue,
Wow. You have the balls to write SLUG and pretend to express concern for your son to cover up for the fact that you’ve been a wretched excuse for a mother for the last 25 years. Do you think you’re going to get the Kickass Mother Award for this letter after making Rodney pick up hairballs with his tongue to punish him for getting a cat? Do you think SLUG is going to pat you on the back after you left Rodney chained in the outhouse naked for two days because you didn’t want your then-current boyfriend to know you had a child? And you fed him only Twinkies, you bitch! No wonder he burned your house to the ground and crucified your dog! Fuck you, you white trash, lying cunt! If you want to find fake justification all the shitty things you did to your own flesh and blood, SLUG is the last place you want to go! Pay a fucking therapist to lie to you!
Why are you not wrapping together the privacy holiday for my leetle nephew! He has been waiting right here for at least a goddammed fortnight now. How could you be so irresponsible as to let my poor leetle nephew wait for his holiday. Goddamm you to satan’s fires and may the Lord have mercy on your souls in satan’s fires. They will be bright and my holiday will come soon. Mason Winadarsky
(Address of the prison)
Um … I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. The only good part of your letter was the reference to Satan’s fires, but I doubt you even have the capability to see the coolness factor in that. Have fun burning your $1 Smith’s Catholic candles with pixilated photos of the Virgin Mary pasted on the front with cheap glue and praying over your plastic rosary beads to try to make up for shooting your friend in the face after he tried to short you $5 on a drug deal. If heaven is filled with people like you, I’ll take Satan’s fires. Go die.