Dear Dickheads – July 2009


Dear Dickheads,
I work at a local bar in Salt Lake, and while I thoroughly enjoy my position as a server, I am sick and tired of all the douche trains that come in and walk around like they own the place. Here’s the thing, I can handle the popped collars, tight shirts, MEK jeans, Affliction garb, perfectly styled gay-ass Mohawks etc., what I cannot handle is being “hollered” at, and the shitty tips from said douches when they come in and want to be a “baller,” buy everyone in sight drinks and can’t afford the tip after they pay their $300 tab. What I would really like to know though, is who in their right mind thinks it’s a good idea to walk up to a woman while she’s working and say something to the effect of “sup gurl… cai holla at choo?” I mean really? You’d like to holler at me? I don’t know about anybody else, but I don’t particularly enjoy being yelled at, and I definitely don’t enjoy Ebonics. The most pathetic thing about the whole situation is that generally speaking the men saying these things are scrawny ass white boys in their $200 too tight t-shirts.  Come on kids, I know your mother didn’t teach you to speak like that, you definitely weren’t taught to speak that way by your high school English teachers, I know you weren’t raised in a ghetto since there isn’t such a thing in Utah … so where did you learn that this is a proper and okay way to speak to a lady? Don’t get me wrong, I fully realize that by many people’s terms I would not be considered “ladylike” seeing as I curse like a sailor, belch, I’m loud, I’m crude and I don’t know how to handle myself properly in a dress. Really though, do you think Lil’ Bow Wow, or Lil’ Jon should be your role models? Besides all of this, I’d like to think I deserve at the very least a bit of respect, if not as a woman, at least as a server.  I’d like to think that I generally handle myself fairly well in such situations, although I’ve been known to lose my temper at one or two “dawgs” or “homeboys.” However, if you’ve got any advice for me, I would be more than happy to listen.
—Lil’ Miss Thangthang

Dear Miss Thanthang,
The way I see it, there are two solutions to your problem. The first option you have is to totally let yourself go. Throw a whole bunch of carbs and saturated fats down your yappy maw and watch the pounds pile on. Only the creepiest of creepers would bother hollerin’ at a 300 pound bargirl, and the good news about these dudes is they aren’t scrawny—their shirts are too tight only because Wal-Mart only has so much fabric to cover the sad, poor and pathetically obese. If you wanna go out with dignity, though, just slut it up! The reason these douches go to the bar in the first place is in hopes of getting a girl, and if you give them the illusion that they’ve got a shot with you (via low-cut blouses, a whale tail and a ditzy demeanor), they’ll undoubtedly throw all their money your way. This approach is both good for business and good for your own self-esteem. Your boss, your brain and your new boo will all love the new you.