I have tried to contact you just about every other way, and you have made it impossible, so I have resorted to writing this shitzine. First things first, I feel appropriate in outing you on your real age. ALEX ORTEGA IS 45 YEARS OLD. That is right, a full two decades older than he has been telling you. Ever since you screamed at mom mid-coitus “ALEX ORTEGA DON”T BE PULLIN OUT, SO DON’T ASK” (he does that every time ladies) and planted your angry seed, which would eventually become me, there as been a tremendous hole (no jokes) in her life, as well as mine. I am not sure why you gave up on your dream of being a day time court judge and started telling people that you had a bachelors in English (it is actually an associates in criminal justice), but I want to help you realize that dream dad. I want you to help me realize mine, I can’t get my GED without you. Mom may be an overweight amputee with a meth problem, but I thought that is why you loved her.
Forever yours illegitimately,
Your son Paco “Ortega”
Dear Paco,
You have the wrong number.
Dear Dickheads,
I read the article on Salt City United in your June issue and my jaw dropped open. The author was clearly biased, or maybe too wrapped up in her shitty version of gonzo journalism and identity issues to see these assholes for what they truly are: a bunch of has-been nobodies trying to keep the “hardcore dream” alive by transferring their daddy issues and bully mentality to a different stage/stadium. I’ve personally witnessed these guys start fights with other REAL FANS at games after getting hammered at their tailgating parties, and their exclusivity is anything but charming. They want to keep their initiation process “off the record”? Yeah, because they’re a bunch of sketchy, white-trash motherfuckers and/or they think they’re more important than they actually are. None of these guys ever contributed a thing to the community, especially the hardcore scene. They ruin everything they touch. Grow up, SCU, shouting a bunch of profanity at a “futbol” team in front of your kids and baby mommas is unseemly for a bunch of washed-out 30-somethings.
Love, Matt Buckner
Dear Matt Fuckner,
Aww, somebody got shoved in one too many lockers in high school, huh, buddy? Swillin’ and rowdiness are all a part of soccer, buck-o. Sometimes there are some unnecessary fights, but, if you weren’t such a twerp, SCU would leave you alone. Shit, I bet you were the one they kicked out for eating a hot dog, and now you’re all butt hurt. Look Matt, just because you don’t like having fun doesn’t mean you should impede on those who do—maybe you should work for the DABC. SCU keeps Real soccer loud n’ proud, and their hardcore backgrounds let others know that our team and our city ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.
Fax: 801.487.1359 • Mailing Address:
Dear Dickheads c/o SLUG Mag
351 Pierpont Ave. Ste. 4B SLC, UT 84101