Dear Dickheads – June 2013
It’s 3 AM right now and I can’t sleep. Why? Because my roommate is pressing hams in the room above me. Right. Above. Me. I don’t mind the fact that he’s getting some, good on him and all that shit, but does he have to be loud? Do they have to call out plays (e.g. “Suck my…” or “Put your…”)? Does she have to adjust her pitchy groans based on the distance between the Plateau and Climax? I usually put on headphones and crank up Converge, Pig Destroy, Eagle Twin, anything to bleed over their spam spanking and boots knocking, but tonight it isn’t cutting it. How the fuck do I get them to fuck when I’m not home or to at least keep it down? I’m courteous with my sex, why can’t they give me the same respect? Please refrain from “tie on the doorknob” solutions, this isn’t the sixties and I’m not John Belushi.
Here’s to sleeping,
As the roommate of two lesbians, I feel ya, man. Imagine two sets of pitchy groans … and this is what it really comes down to … IMAGINE two sets of pitchy groans. You see, Gotti, your problem isn’t your roommate, it’s your lack of imagination, and your failure to see opportunity when it’s literally banging on the ceiling. So here’s what you do: Rather than wreaking havoc on your eardrums with Pig Destroyer, take those headphones off, light some candles and might I suggest pressing play on some Al Green, or if you’re feeling bold, R. Kelly. Once you get comfortable, feel free to participate—and get creative! I’m sure there are plays you have yet to hear. You know, Gotti, people in Amsterdam pay a lot of money for the kind of experience you’re getting for free. Not to mention, if you’re having “courteous sex,” it sounds like you might want to whip out some pen and paper once you’re done with Rosy Palm and her five sisters, ‘cause I can guarantee no one’s getting off in your room with that attitude.
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