Dear Dickheads – March 2005
How yall doin, guess what, if you dont know, im going to tell you. you people are very dissapointing. you have supported terror, crime, murder, serial mureder, rape, date rape, drugs, and general hostility all your lives. its very dissapointing. its like, you can get away with all that, and you still havent done anything really cool. not really.just a bunch of rabid sexualistic possers. let me tell ya. hows your little slice of the pie. you’ve promoted hostility in the comunity. youve destroyed family after family. why right now im writting yall this letter through a blaze of anthrax spread on my personal property by people like cammilla. son of a comando. the love of such is an empty love. the love of rape, is cannaball, its evil its a true sin. and its been thought that all sin leads too this place. ye have made up your minds to be so deterimnate, and that belongs to ye now. it is not too. please understand. we could all be having so much more fun, your magazine could be truely cool and radicaly excitting, but ye have made up your minds. so, what do ye suppose it is that honors liers, cheaters, thieves and criminals????? wont you have a thought. i know you know me, and im still here, i am only an honest man. i was thinking, because i care, perhaps slug mag would enjoy investing in our youths and alternative cultures future…????,,,, like maybe a new article called… “the arrest of the month”,,, see when people dont understand the tramma of the world and the difficulties of todays world and what all of us youth almost enevitably encounter, it makes it easier for crime and dissorderlies to prevail. ms taylor, aka ruki, if i were your father, i would cut your arm off and watch you eat it, son of a commando. fuck you.
Dear Crazy-Assed MotherFucker,
Sorry to go negative right off the bat, but I just don’t even know where to start with this big bag of dementia you sent me. I guess I will address your ramblings paragraph by Bat-Shit crazy paragraph.
First: I think it is a very brave stance for Angela Brown and all the other scumbags here at the magazine to take a position supporting terror, crime, murder, serial murder, rape, date rape, drugs and general hostility. I am most pleased with the fact that we have been very specific in our support of ALL types of Murder and Rape but mildly annoyed that incest, necrophelia and other sweet taboos have gone virtually ignored by the editorial staff. As to us being “rabid sexualistic possers”, I am pretty sure most of us have had our shots (Except maybe those creepy Written In Blood dudes) and those last two words don’t exist in the english language you dumbfuck. Second: Our pie is just fine ass-hat, and some families deserve to be broken up. We are just practicing so we can break up the Hilton, Baldwin and Bush families. The last thing this world needs is any more of those cockbites. To address the whole “Anthrax on my stuff” deal, stop letting Camilla in your house! You know how she gets with her biological weapons, she was raised by a commando for christs sake!! You sad silly assclown.
Lastly: I know there are more paragraphs but I am getting a fucking headache. I noticed that halfway through your letter you replaced “YOU” with “YE” and it hit me! This asshole isn’t crazy! He is obviously a land-locked pirate who is losing his mind pining away for the sea, or perhaps a town crier that is frustrated by his lack of job opportunities. Nah, your most likely just some lonely guy who stuck a horse tranquilizer up his ass and decided to drop us a line. Thanks.
One last thing, it is fairly clear that you are very much in love with Our fair son of a commando Cammilla. Well she does’nt love you. She thinks you’re an asshole. So keep out of her bushes. I don’t think there is a guy out there that has met Camilla and not had the whole “Ms. Taylor being fed her arm by her dad fantasy”. Don’t let it run your life. Get help. Oh, Fuck you too.
Love and Guts,
YE OLDE DYCKHEAD.