Dear Dickheads – September 2005

Dear Dickheads, I don’t have a cell phone, and my preferred means of communication is through e-mail. I check my e-mail throughout the day–usually once in the morning, afternoon and night–and am used to sorting through dozens of unwanted spam/advertisements. Their bold claims are pretty fucking funny–If I had a nickel for every e-mail I got about penis enlargement, I’d have a shit-load of nickels. The other day I received an e-mail from the LoFi Café with a subject line reading, “LO-FI NEWS: THE GREAT SALT AIR!” And other stuff. Without hesitation, I opened the e-mail and actually found some news (namely Gang of Four’s tour date). What I found in the middle of e-mail was a shameless and intellectually offensive promotion for Alternative Press and Revolver, two corporate titty-sucking magazines unworthy of lining the bottom of my hamster cage. That’s right, hamsters. Bitches. Does whoever wrote this e-mail(which is riddled with grammatical errors) think that I’m stupid enough to fall for a line like, “do you want to be that guy who knows every up-and-coming band by name … How would you like to be the most totally awesome hot dude at the next party … Read ALTERNATIVE PRESS!!!” Give me a fucking break. Three exclamation marks? Is that really necessary? The October issue of AP has fucking Fall Out Boy on the cover, and they’re dressed in fucking construction outfits, hardhats and all. The e-mail then commands the reader to go the mags’ website (links included) and sign up for their newsletter. Fuck you LoFi café. Fuck you and your trendy, uninformed big-brother magazine. What kind of café doesn’t serve food anyways? Here’s a line for ya: “Do you want to be the guy who knows about all the local shows, sub-culture and worthwhile national music acts? … how would you like to be totally knee deep in ‘tang at the next party? … Read SLUG Magazine!” Oh yeah, the “newsletter” also suggests that the reader join the “fastest growing group on MySpace.” Fuck MySpace. Myspace is like EHarmony.com for indie kids. Go with God, James H.
Dear Dickhead, It is quite ironic that someone who sits around all day and checks their email is complaining about the state of grammar within mass emails AND about getting “tang” at a party. First and foremost, it is great to see that you are a reader of the high-end sort. Reading emails all day? Give me a break! You are writing to us to complain about penis enlargements and triple exclamation points and you subscribe to the Lo-Fi Café newsletter? What show did you go to get on that email newsletter? The Autumn to Ashes show? As I Lay Dying? (insert shitty emo band here)? You are definitely “that” jackass who corrects mispronounced words, hates split infinitives, and relishes proper grammatical expression–no matter what the intention. While it is commendable that you shun “big brother titty-sucking” rags like Alternative Press, I don’t think you are anywhere near the ideal person to comment about picking up ladies. I have this picture of you sitting behind your computer playing World of Warcraft, Half-Life 2 (or whatever other time-wasting virtual reality you revel in) and masturbating to farm-animal obscenities. I guess what it comes down to is this: what are you doing spending your time behind a computer all day, anyway? What are you doing subscribing yourself to email lists you don’t want to be on? If you had half a shred of forethought, you would take the Big Mac from your mouth, put down the cordless mouse, and actually buy and see local things. Stop complaining and start doing something other over their, they’re, and there.