Mike Brown: What’s In My Fridge?

Over the several years that I have written for SLUG, I have often pondered (and sometimes printed) a thought that goes as follows: I REALLY, REALLY FUCKING HOPE MY LANDLORD DOESN’T READ THIS. This article is no exception. It’s not as bad as when I flooded my bathroom a few months ago by trying to warm up an adult toy in my sink, rendering some water damage in the apartment below me (that was a fun one to explain to the landlord) but still, you get the point.

My fridge is technically my landlord’s fridge because it was here when I moved in. I basically pay rent on my fridge. But being the daring penman that I am, I am unabashed to tell you what’s in my fridge. Although when I die, I do not want people to go through a couple of things. My browser history and my fridge are two of those things.

First off, it’s a nice fridge. It’s big and silver like a giant can of Coors Light. Plenty of room to hang the shitty pictures kids draw, if I had any kids that I knew of. And it does exactly what a fridge is supposed to do, which is keeping things cold, like the other side of a pillow. I love my fridge.

As for what’s in it? A bunch of old food I’m not gonna finish. I know this is wasteful and that there are starving children in Magna, but I’m not going to lie — there’s a lot of garbage in there. There’s some old lettuce and an old lime, lots of old condiment packets (mostly soy sauce and fire sauce from Del Taco), an ice pack for my back, some bloodworms that I feed my frogs that I love, and a really old expired beer that I intend to give to company if anyone ever actually comes over.

But no one really comes over to my place, and that’s not a complaint — it’s by design. I don’t want the outside world to see how I live and where I crank it.

Sometimes there’s milk in my fridge. And speaking of milk, I need to settle a debate: Is it just for psychopaths? Like, if you just drink milk straight, are you a monster? Bad guy villains always seem to be drinking milk in the movie picture shows. But I find a nice chug of 2% fresh off the carton to be super refreshing. I also eat a lot of Pasta Roni and milk is a key ingredient.

I mentioned that there are a lot of leftovers I won’t eat in there, but this is mostly due to the fact that now you can finance UberEats meals. This seems like a bad idea and a blatant statement of the desperation of our generation. But with a finance plan for overpriced delivery food, I feel like I should space out the eating process, I guess.

I also have a Brita water filter pitcher thingy and candy. I eat a lot of candy, and I like to keep it in the fridge — even my Skittles and Red Vines, but especially my chocolate and cookies. I don’t know why but candy tastes better when it’s cold. In the summer time there’s always popsicles and ice cream in there, too. As you can see, I have my own food pyramid I subscribe to for a healthy diet and lifestyle.

Now I should use this writing assignment as a reason to clean my fridge. But honestly, I’m not going to. After doing my own research, once again from YouTube University, I learned that cold air kills germs — or at least freezes them and slows them down so they don’t move around your immune system as fast. So basically you don’t ever really have to clean your fridge. Think that’s fake news? Wake up, sheeple.

Read more Mike Brown pieces here:
Mike Brown: The Local Leader of Local Drunks: Sunyin Marci
Mike Brown: Gen Z Isn’t Getting Drunk