Dear Dickheads – January 2008

Dear Dickheads,
This year I received the gift of a lifetime; a rite of passage if you will. I received a Leatherman. The importance of the Leatherman in a man's life cannot be understated. It's the defining moment of manhood, like walking the log when your Weblos scout and becoming a bonafide Boy Scout. My dad's dad's dad had a Leatherman given to him on his 22nd birthday, and subsequent generations of my family's male inheritance have, in turn, received this hallowed gift that turns awkward boys into burly men. Now that I have a Leatherman, my chest hair has grown an extra inch and a half, my facial hair is starting to snake up my face and around my neck, women find me oddly attractive and I can now perform McGuyverian maneuvers with this all purpose, multi-tool. The only thing that will complete this manly triumverate of Leatherman and alcohol is a truck. If nothing else, I guess my Geo Metro will do.
–Stan the Man

Hey Stan,
Thanks for sharing your "manhood" with our readers. If all it takes to become a man is alcohol, a truck and a Leatherman, I hope you never reproduce and introduce other little men into the world. The only sure thing those three things will get you is an STD from a girl named Cinnamon.

Dear Dickheads,
I recently found this email in my inbox from one Kate Smallwood:

Hey sweetie, you wanna attract chick at the club? Try U l t r a Allure pheromones!

-Attract women of all ages
-Excite women before even talking to them
-Make women want to sleep with you immediately
-Millions of men are already using them!
-Proven to work!

Being a 20 something and having never been laid before I thought I would give it a try. I orderd a bottle just in time for Christmas. I sprayed some on, and then a little more, treating this precious bottle like axe bodyspray. I headed out to Club Bliss and the women couldn't keep their hands off me. I mean I was making out with one chick then another and then another...and I hadn't even entered the club yet! I am proud to be one of the million of men who have used this product to get someone in the sack. Goodbye personality flaws and character shortcomings and hello spray on pheromones...Hell if it works for moths it can work for you to! Thought I would tell a success story from me to you.

Hey Paul-
It sounds like you sprayed douchebag all over your body instead of pheromones.

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