Dear Dickheads: September 1990

Dear Dickheads and aficionados,

Tis I—Inexplicable SLUG stool pigeon and adjective fool (Will I ever learn?) here to place highest regards on these individuals: Braunch, Saltas, Paul and Zay, Charlie, JR and Natalie, the Hate X9 crew (who endured my personal loathe mail), Ian and Alexis (who didn’t begrudge me for my reviewer’s sarcasm), Dan Yodeler & Mikey Slaughterchrist (for their candor, whipping my flabby soul into shape), and JoJo’s Corner (#20: an ordeal which speaks for itself). 

May I extend unequivocal gratitude and kudos to KRCL? Last but not least, thanks Biffers and Truce for your kind sentiments in SLUG and Private Eye. M. Dainquoe—Sincere appreciation for your negative constructive criticism and judgment—less whiney than most other predictable prattle to disgrace these pages. Advice back? Meditate a wee bit harder on descriptive words I utilize, and get an esoteric clue or two. You missed the boat, buddy. Don’t presume anything. No “thesaurus.” Pyro burns such books. Okay, you caught me red-handed: sample literature, vitals of philosophy, liberal press and zines. Just try to hold education against my punk nature, please. Speaking of snarkiness, Rollins is God! So go ahead and complex me and my avid fetish for words. 

This is it, kiddies. Laura has an expansive trip chartered for the outer reaches of pub dom. Destination: Sing-a-poor. Yep, leavin’ this rag. But hark—I shall return! During my absence, do try to fondly remember my deepest ambivalence for you all. Cut above and beyond the call of duty. Until then, seething hater mail groupies unite. 

Gone for a furlough for a yarn.

Laters,

Lars 

P.S Endearing closing remarks: Move it! Get off your fuckin’ ass and look into Private Eye and the Cinema In Your Face magazine. Do it now. Read, read, read!

Dear Sluggers, 

I have some shit to say to you. Some good, others bad. Anyway, for some good things to say—Let me start by saying the Ramones interview was pretty fucking cool, and you will stick to your guns and put it s second behind the local Satanic Dennis Hopper types Slaughterchrist. Also, I am glad you exist because I can use you to expose the band I am in now. Weird. I understand my last band is doing well and has the Zephyr Club sound nearly perfected. Skin ‘n’ Bones, eat your hearts out! The question is—What does “underground” mean? Now, don’t deny it. You have altered three things I’ve said or written to SLUG so as to be less offensive. Is this the work of an “underground” publication, or just a publication that writes about the underground? I still think you’re cool, it’s just that if you are claiming to be underground yourselves, then you are being pretentious, but I’m not sure that you are. I am just wondering.

By the way, Sunshine and the Biffs, I would like to give all of you guys a big wet french kiss for being nice to me. Let’s do a gig together-contact me through electric chickens incorporated. 

Love and Love 

Billy Blizzard

P.S. Bone Occult ain’t over. Satan Dude Mon ain’t playin’ no fuckin’ covers. He’s gonna kick all our asses and fuck all our girlfriends and then make us apologize. Despite what I said earlier, Jim, you are a genius. Take your shirt off.

Editor’s Note: Billy, we can’t give you a definition of what or what is not “underground.” You will have to check your Cap’n Crunch Punkometer. As far as taking out part of your writing, we have made it clear from day one how we feel about things that are sexist. Call it whatever you like.

Read more SLUG 1990 Archives:
Feature Band: Wondercrash
Interview: Savatage