Mike Brown: Shooting the Tube!

When I was a kid, we didn’t call it “goin’ tubin’!” because obviously that terminology did not even exist in the ‘90s. It was called “shooting the tube.” And if you grew up on the mean streets of East Salt Lake like I did, then you know what shooting the tube is, but since most people reading this do not, I shall explain.

Honestly, I don’t even know if the tube exists anymore — I did not have the time nor fortitude to research that for this article. But what it is (or was) I believe to be a sewage drain of sorts that runs under the I-215 freeway at the top of Tanner Park, kind of near Suicide Rock.

Side note: I have no idea how Suicide Rock got its name — that could be another decent article — but it’s a big rock that people decided to vandalize with graffiti and since it was just a giant stupid rock, no one cared. As far as I know, no one actually committed suicide on Suicide Rock, but I could be wrong. Also I still really like the band Suicidal Tendencies.

Anyway, the tube would drain water like a small river and was full of spiders and looked like a perfect place to get murdered. Logically, it was a safe place for us East Salt Lake kids to have some shenanigans. Someone built this makeshift floodgate with a rope on it and it would back up the water, then you would pull the rope and a blast of water would shoot you down the tube, catapulting you into a pool at the end.

It was exhilarating.

This was the kind of shit you had to do for fun before the internet, and by God was shooting the tube fun as shit. I remember that you’d be advised to wear jean shorts instead of a swimsuit because the chance of your ass getting shredded was like, one hundred percent.

Now that I think about it, shooting the tube was the most white trash waterslide in existence — no irony lost on my part for growing up in one of the most privileged suburbs in America — but there’s still a brilliance to the engineering of whoever built the gate that would block the water at the top.

As I’m typing this, nostalgia is flowing through my tiny brain like the water shooting down the tube and all that Tanner Park had to offer. From the boring Mormon cookouts and Little League Baseball games and other church events, to rumors of Satanic rituals taking place there at night that my straight-edge friends would try to record on a camcorder (because they were too lame to go to parties), Tanner Park does hold a special place in my cold, cold heart. If the mayor isn’t busy doing anything, she should designate the tube as a Utah historic landmark.

Read more from SLUG columnist Mike Brown here:
Mike Brown: What’s In My Fridge?
Mike Brown: Gen Z Isn’t Getting Drunk