Authors: Mike Brown
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Amateur Night
There are certain holidays that are pretty much catered to the boozing and bar industry. But there’s one designated drinking day that seems to suck the stupid out of people more than all of them: St. Patrick’s Day. Maybe it’s because I fancy a drink a tad bit more than the average American male, but I don’t need a holiday to tell me to drink. I probably got more hammered on Flag Day than I did on all of these “holidays” combined, and I don’t even know when Flag Day is. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Vandalism
Something is happening to my social circle as my life moves into its early 30s. I’m losing friends at an astronomical rate—not because I’m becoming more of a dick as I get older (I am), and not to drugs and alcohol (those two things bring friends together). No, I’m losing friends to what I like to call the two “Ms”: Marriages and Mortgages. … read more
Mike Brown: The Mustang Experience
After driving a souped-up Mustang GT around the racetrack at the Larry Miller Motorsports Park last week, I should have said I wanted to be a goddamn racecar driver. … read more
Mike Brown: Busking a Nut
Do you know what busking is? If you are a regular to reading my column, I’m guessing you are too drunk or lazy to Google it, so allow me to do that for you. According to the app on my robot phone, to busk is to entertain by dancing, singing or reciting on the street or in a public place. It’s a goddamn street performance. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Babies!
Accidents happen in life. You can’t get mad at them or avoid them. Cars crash, people trip and fall, my favorite pair of pants gets diarrhea-ed, meth labs explode and condoms break. I guess that’s why whenever I hear one of my friends slipped one past the goalie, I have the same reaction as if I had just heard they fell off a cliff: “Oh, fuck!” … read more
Mike Brown: The Year of the Gun, Goin’ In Hot!
After years of refusing to hold a firearm, I changed my mind a few weeks ago and decided to go to the desert and shoot the shit out of a banana with various assault weapons. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Drugs and Sports!
I wholeheartedly believe that sports and drugs go together as seamlessly as a U-lock in a hipster’s back pocket, subtly slipping down and caressing those supple yet firm, trust-funded buttocks. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Jazz Nation Predictions
If you know me at all, you know it’s safe to say I’m somewhat of a narcissist and only truly care about three things in life: my cat Jet Pack, free drinks and the Utah Jazz. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Yer Out of Here! Kicked Out...
The whole time I’ve been part of the Fucktards, we have never had to kick anyone out. Sure, dudes have quit, but I’ve never had to drop the axe. I suppose getting kicked out of the Fucktards would be like flunking special ed: very improbable and more embarrassing than being in my band in the first place. … read more
Mike Brown: High School
The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping and another glorious, globally warmed summer is over. September is here, and if you aren’t already cutting class by the time you read this, you should be. … read more